Divorce, Fatherhood & Life(spring)
This story begins with me. My dad left when I was 3, I really don't remember him at all.
Growing up I really didn't think that was any big deal. Of course, looking back, there
are clearly numerous ways this affected me, but that's a story for another time.
Jump to 1986, at a friend's funeral I ran into my high school sweetheart, who I really hadn't
seen since high school. Sparks are still there and we end up getting married in 1988. Jump to
late 1989, the marriage is crumbling and she turns up pregnant. Unfortunately it wasn't enough
to save the marriage and I finally decided to move out in January, she had two kids from a
previous marriage and it seemed like the best thing I could do for everyone. I preceded to
go into a deep depression and before my son was even born had taken medical LOA and admitted
myself to the hospital with clinical depression. I honestly didn't believe I could live having
to deal with her for the next 18 years, but knew I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned my son.
I eventually pulled myself together enough to leave. Actually the insurance decided I was well
enough to leave! Anyway, we eventually went through with the divorce and of course she got custody.
For about the first 4 months of visitation things were very tense and bad. She wouldn't even meet
me at the door when I'd pick him up or return him, her partner would. I didn't trust anything she
said or did, if it was something "nice" there had to be an ulterior motive! And I'm sure she felt
the same way.
Well along towards the end of that year I got caught in a massive layoff at work. Of course my LOA
and performance, or lack thereof, leading up to and shortly after didn't help, but I probably would've
been included anyway. This actually turned out to be life changing, although I didn't know that for
a while.
-Brief interlude-
Shortly before the layoff a couple of coworkers had come in raving about a workshop they had
been to. It really seemed to have done remarkable things for them. I was persuaded to go to a "guest
event" and thought it sounded ok, but really thought my benefit might be just to be a little more
outgoing with people. And I didn't have the money to do it anyway. Well, lo and behold, the layoff
hits and one of the severance benefits is educational expense. There were no restrictions on what
kind of classes and everything just seemed to have fallen into place and I had the money, so to
speak - NOT out of my own pocket, I certainly had the time, so I though "why not?"
Well, I could talk about this for a loooong time, but let me just say it was truly life-changing!
This is truly a story for another time, but it enabled me to shift my perspective on life and in particular
my ex to a degree that literally sucked her in. She and her partner both followed me through the
workshops and we became truly best friends, much better than we had ever been before.
This required basically deciding to not look for ulterior motives, etc. If she offered me extra time
with my son, just look at it as if she knew it was a good thing, not look at it that she must have
something else she wants to do. things like that. Was this possibly opening me up for the proverbial
knife in the back? absolutely, but the alternative was bad "stuff" all the time, when maybe, just
maybe, it didn't need to be. The risk is worth it. It makes life so much better!
We bacame such good friends that it actually seemed to bother some people! they didn't understand how
two divorced people could be that way! "That's not normal!"
Now, from my perspective things aren't quite as good as they once were, which again, is a story for another time,
but we've continued to get along. We do things together with my son, going to his activities and things.
A lot of people, like the other baseball parents, don't even seem to realize that we're divorced.
Don't misunderstand me, divorce SUCKS! It is NOT a good thing, but if handled the right way it doesn't have to
destroy the kids. In hindsight there are actually some silver linings in my case.
For one, the fact that we split up before he was born saved him from experiencing the break-up.
For a time he didn't even realize he was from a 'broken home'.
I think it actually made me a better father, too.
Had we stayed together, with her having been through it twice, and with a 12-year-old daughter, it would have
been very easy for me to kind of let them handle the "mothering" duties. As it was, when he was with me,
it was all me, no one to help! I'd not hesitate to say I made one hell of a mom, in addition to a dad!
Did I sacrifice a lot for him, absolutely, and all fathers may not make the same choice. I guess it
depends on where you've come from and things. For me, I was not willing to give up any time with my
son. There were several times when his mom moved, not out of state, but Carrollton to Irving to Flower Mound,
that kind of move. I moved right along with them. When I was out of work for almost 2 years after 9/11,
I might have had some opportunities in other places, like Cleveland, Toronto, etc. but I was not
willing to leave the area. It made it really tough, but on the other hand I got to spend a LOT of time
with him during that period.
To this day, his mom and I help each other out a lot, go to his activities together, etc., and we
only live a couple of blocks apart. Would this work for everyone? Of course not, but let me tell you -
it has worked beautifully for us. Are there things I'd like to be different? Sure, but looking back
there is nothing I would change about the decisions I've made.
My son is a great-looking, fine young man. He's polite, kind, smart, and has good values.
All of which he got from me obviously! (ha ha)
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Last Updated ( Friday, 25 September 2009 18:00 )
